Turning Point

By March of 2009 I began to allow the pressures of life take its toll. Bills are not getting paid, money is low, bank account is in the negative, cell phone is shut off, creditors are calling and whatever else you can think of... So I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I blocked out the world. My bedroom was my haven. I read dozens of romance novels, downloaded movies and any new music almost everyday, watched Cold Case and Without A Trace, and played Spider solitaire for hours. The slightest thing would anger me. Overall, I wasn't good company, lol.

So, one day in June I began to wonder why I even woke up, why I even had to live another day in this world.

I was raised in the Church of God, so actually attempting suicide was out of the question because I believe that Heaven and Hell are very real. But, I allowed the thoughts to linger and June goes by. I felt so useless and a waste of space. I had no idea why I was alive and that hurt me to the core. There were nights when a spiritual fear would come over me. I could feel my heart as if it wanted to come through my chest or explode. I was so afraid that I would die in my sleep that I would stay up til the sun came up. But, once I feel asleep from pure exhaustion I'd wake up and forget about the fear that held me awake all night.

So, July comes around and my birthday is in a few weeks. It comes to no surprise that I was not excited about my coming birthday. I didn't want to celebrate, because turning a year older in my life wasn't anything to celebrate. A week before my birthday I got into a car accident and messed up my car and my right arm. I guess bald tires and rain don't mix, :). I can still visualize the impact. I remember pressing down on the breaks and feeling the tires slide. I tired to maneuver the car with no luck. Without warning the air bag slammed into my chest. As my mind wrapped around the accident I looked down and saw blood on my right forearm and left hand while my upper right arm burned. My chest ached and my nerves were in shock. I remember feeling so small and alone although people surrounded me. Needless to say, after that day my life really began to hit me hard. I knew what I needed, but I fought to stay where I was. To this day I will never understand why I waited so long. Why allowed myself to continue being tortured. A week later on my birthday I went to church http://www.churchofgodofchicago.com/ and gave my life completely to the Lord...

Post Grad

After 4 and a half years at U of I, I finally came home to Chicago. As most graduates I was full of possibilities, hopes, goals, and dreams. My first real 9-5 job was scrounged up by one of my best friends one month after I graduated. It was a customer service position (many of you have to be thinking YUCK, right!?)Most of the time I'd get customers that wanted the world turned around just for them or the ones that complained about every detail. Needless to say, a few months later I officially hated my job and a few months after that realization I was fired- "We feel that you are not invested in the company" was the reason.

So, I took that pink slip and ran, but what I didn't know was that the second great depression was beginning and I was in the center of it. As of today it has been 11 months since I've had a job.

Talk about depressing!!